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Posted on 08-28-2016
“It really breaks my heart
To see a dear old friend
Go down in the worn old place again
Do you know the sound
Of a closing door?
Have you heard that sound somewhere before?
Do you wonder if she knows you anymore?
I wrapped your love around me like a chain
But I never was afraid that it would die
You can dance in a hurricane
But only if you’re standing in the eye”
Over a month ago I was walking on the beach in the middle of the day, a luxury of a vacation. I was in a blissful state, even despite the year I had just gone through. As I walked I was feeling a mixture of calmness yet with a bit of new fears surfacing of the unknown. Those fears sadly were comforting because I used to reside in them. Part of me was nervous that I would blow this open door and the journey I knew God was leading me down. Trusting that the universe was figuring it out for me if I would just continue to believe in this path.
As I walked I forced those oh so comforting feelings and thoughts aside to say no. You will no longer let fear run your life. So as I continued to walk, I saw my life, one of raising and guiding my children, doing yoga, sharing that passion, my heart, the joy and the pain that has opened me up to a giving soul. There are so many moments I feel and look in the eyes of others and know they don’t understand me anymore. My depth, my curiosity to explore oneself to live authentically. I feel foreign yet at home. I constantly feel the presence of God beside me guiding me along, but sometimes it is one of loneness.
Towards the end of my walk, the sun was bouncing off the rocks, the mountains, and the water, reflecting the golden light. It was beaconing and I was overcome with such emotion. I turned facing the water, the light reflecting, I stood up straight, put my hands on my heart, and closed my eyes. I turned toward the sky, choking a bit in my throat as I mouthed the words, Thank You.
So I as I stood there at the vastness of the ocean, I knew again I’m in a season. This is a good season, Nicole, I said to myself. Be Here.
Seasons are part of life eternal. They are necessary and they are lunar and planetary, and perfectly tuned and so, so much bigger than I, then any of us are. I think I was in that blissful state because I knew that even in this good season it too shall pass.
So no matter how often I try to reclaim the goodness of old seasons, remove the painful parts they are just simply a part of me, and I knew none of it is with ill will in my heart.
As I returned from that vacation and my life continued to flow without my control I watched my children. They are a constant living reminder that seasons are passing. As I watched over them the remainder of the summer, checked their shape, how they speak, sleep, act, and trying to register how much they have grown--I knew it’s time to own the season I am in with them. My daughter is entering another year of high school, and my son leaves to finish his last two high school years in a boarding school to purse his passion in filming. As excited as I am for him, I have to let go, because this was only a season with them as perhaps other seasons I didn’t want to let go. Maybe all of them have prepared to help me in this next one of letting go as a parent. A while back I had been told I was collateral damage, which I remember made me feel expendable, and unloved as a human. For some reason those words have been echoing around in my thoughts again as I struggle with knowing my son will be leaving home soon to start a new chapter, and as my daughter gains more independence. Will I be that easily expendable to them? Intellectually I know that not to be true as a parent, it just shifts, and I must shift with it, open to what is coming. So as I let go, and let’s be real, Try, and let go I’m gentle with myself because it is so, so hard to do.
All around me and inside me, I can feel the wisdom in the seasons that have passed, especially the difficult ones. I can honor each one, and the one I am in. This is the season of transition to being on my own. I will trust God is leading me through what in some moments feels like a hurricane internally as only He knows how, but all the while still allowing me to peacefully dance while standing in the eye.
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